since sometime during the winter of 1993 to 1994, when I was in eighth grade, I began to write down things that people around me said in a little black book. this book now contains over one thousand quotations following one parameter: everything in the book must be said by someone i know, or someone they know.
quotes said by me, by the way, are put in only at the request of others.
i stopped keeping the quotes book sometime around 2000 or so.
all typos and misquotations are clearly not my fault.
I only know where things happen in chickens.
Andre Aciman
Wait! You're upstairs, and you're a lesbian! What's the matter with you?
Malcolm Adams
How can you be so bouncy so early in the morning?
Jelly Alleyn
to Sam Kusnetz at 8:00 am
We're shopping for chicken parts tonight.
Danny Alzuri
Now became later very quickly.
Virginia Annibale
You are what you make yourself.
Anonymous
I don't believe in judging people by their looks unless they're really
ugly.
Anonymous
I wish for a non wishy-washy wash.
Steve Ansell
I'm not bitter. She's really a great girl. I really liked her at the
time.
Steve Ansell
By all means: dog, splat, Mack truck, cry, cry, cry.
Steve Ansell
re. method acting
People are invited to take advantage of Barry Tropp after his show.
Steve Ansell
We are in very grave danger of producing theatre.
Steve Ansell
Hairstyles can change, but mothers shouldn't.
Steve Ansell
You can't mix English and American stationery.
Catherine Atkinson
We have sharp tongues in our house. We file them at night.
Renée Auriema
Jane is fine and Miss Avrich is fine. I don't like "Average Jane"
and I don't "Bitch", but other that
Jane Avrich
It's not a sea of fantasy, it's a sea of oy.
Jane Avrich
I love this hat. It's like wearing a sheep on my head.
Jane Avrich
They could die of disease, died in battle, eaten by yaks
Jane Avrich
Once upon a time, there was nothing. Except a coyote and two ducks.
Jane Avrich
This is about people. People! Not racoons!
Jane Avrich
I think you're giving his tongue a little too much credit.
Jane Avrich
And then, Death makes cupcakes!
Jane Avrich
I've stopped caring about tomorrow.
Jane Avrich
We can't understand the announcements; they're too Isaac.
Erica Babad
Don't ya know those busses with cows and pigs!?
Becca Ballentine
Cool! Yeah, that's right! That's good! That's good, that's good. Um...
why?
Becca Ballentine
Every time I got annoyed I just hit it. Obviously, I got annoyed too
much.
Abigail Banker
re. her broken watch
Beasties are everywhere.
Abigail Banker
Wherever you go, there you are.
Buckaroo Banzai
Time only exists so that everything doesn't happen at once.
Buckaroo Banzai
You wanna hear something just like what you told me except maybe not?
Jonathan Barboza
What's the name of that place that sells those things?
Jonathan Barboza
I came here to teach, not to play with stiffs with cellos.
James Barnett
Sometimes, you just gotta be weak. That's all.
Tina Barrigan
You're just losing your pants, but apart from that, it's perfect.
B.H. Barry
Theatre is about the space between two actors. The further apart they
are, the more classical. The closer, the more like television.
B.H. Barry
I bet Nutella would make even batteries and frogs sexy, even if they
didn't taste like chicken.
Katherine Bartow
I've got more static electricity than anyone, but apparently it's a sign
of sexuality, so it's all good.
Katharine Bartow
We see eye to eye, except when we see nose to nose, it's just a hell
of a lot harder to see with your nose.
Katharine Bartow
You are your house co-exist, and there's a reason.
Katharine Bartow
Oh... way later. Rick chased to zucchini months ago.
Katharine Bartow
One word LOMTO. And it's all mine!
Katherine Bartow
This is one of my favorite bras. The one my father couldn't figure out
how to undo.
Katharine Bartow
I really don't feel like getting hit by a car today.
Katharine Bartow
God. How did those dudes carve those marble things? Sitting there day
after day going chip chip chip...
Lauren Bass
If they steal it, it's just another excuse to kick their ass.
Eli Beller
Sam! Ahhh! Help! It says: "H E C Y A" with little scandinavian
polka dots!
Eli Beller
Omigod. You have to read about this chicken.
Eli Beller
Do you guys like chlorophyll? I love chlorophyll.
Rosie Benton
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
Yogi Berra
You observe a lot just by watching.
Yogi Berra
He's great, and I love him, but I'm still bitter about Belgium.
Alison Binkowski
Everything boils down to philosophy, and philosophy is just neuroscience
for babies.
Alison Binkowski
I don't bathe and I'm proud.
Alison Binkowski
Well not straddled in the strict sense of the word.
Alison Binkowski
She had two younger sisters, but they weren't her sisters. One of them
might have been male...
Alison Binkowski
discussing a dream
He probably thinks of me about as often as I think of your stove.
Alison Binkowski
I'll try to make this quick and pertinent.
Alison Binkowski
They said things like, y'know, things like, hey, well, things like...
things.
Alison Binkowski
I don't know what they pulled off or how they pulled it off, but they
did.
Blodgett
Seducing, not kickboxing.
Blodgett
Inside my mouth is where I draw the line.
Blodgett
Come on Dana, sideways is fun!
Blodgett
This play is making me bleed from all sorts of weird places.
Blodgett
Your feet go one way, the rest of you goes the other way, and then you're
just horizontal.
Blodgett
Sam, you're being quite unhelpful, quite intentionally.
Blodgett
I'm not big and foolish, I'm vertically enhanced and practically challenged.
Blodgett
Sometimes, he scares me. And the rest of the time, he really scares me.
Blodgett
re. Rick
Time is all mushy.
Blodgett
First the frogs, then Joanna, where will it end!?
Blodgett
Political Science is like trench warfare.
Blodgett
It's sorta this soaring, flying cool shit. And then it's this sinking,
swirling cool shit.
Blodgett
re. Esther
Wall Street. It's like, this street. Where all these people are coming
to get you.
Blodgett
James Bond's cummerbund does all sorts of cool shit.
Blodgett
Whenever someone asks me my name, I just panic.
Blodgett
That's just disrespectful. If you're gonna cook the president, cook him
right.
Blodgett
Nooo! The bear can't see me! The bear can't see me!
Blodgett
re. a slipper
Josh, just play with your... stagecoach.
Blodgett
I thought about it. I thought, "I can't do that."
Blodgett
Techies are like percussionists. Little appreciated but absolutely essential.
Blodgett
Sam, the people you hang out with say such stupid things.
Blodgett
I may be able to deal with not enough sleep, but if I get sleep and it's
not enough, that's just bad.
Blodgett
It was really warm, and really neat, but there were lots of naked guys.
Blodgett
Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man tired and messes up his hair.
Blodgett
I'm laughing inside. I would be laughing outside, but then I couldn't
eat.
Blodgett
I'm not sure if I'd classify it as good, but it's definitely closer to
good than bad.
Blodgett
I meant plural in the sense of singular. As in, the royal half-schilling.
Blodgett
exchanging currency
It's one thing when people are misinformed, or stupid, but when they're
just wrong, that's when I get angry.
Erika Blumberg
Shut up and let me be the dictator that I wanna be.
Erika Blumberg
Those Christians. They're always doing weird things.
Erika Blumberg
Somewhere between January and June, someone said, "I wonder if there's
a filthy Craig in there."
Erika Blumberg
Are you down with Lieber and Stoller? They're, like, these two jews who
wrote all this music.
Erika Blumberg
It's Tuesday night, that's my problem! I'm supposed to be in the Purple.
Erika Blumberg
Jew boys getting funky really turns me on.
Erika Blumberg
This hurts my brain, and yet it makes a lot of sense.
Erika Blumberg
I wanted to complain about something else but I can't remember what t
is.
Erika Blumberg
I wanna start saying more funny things now.
Erika Blumberg
Do you know, I have nine students now! I took a cab here!
Erika Blumberg
Why is there a trip on peace night? Why don't more staff members come to chorus? Why aren't I getting laid? These are the questions I have!
Erika Blumberg
There is a serious dearth of chairs.
Erika Blumberg
I wanna have little kids, but that would require me to go on more than
a date.
Erika Blumberg
Parties on 93rd street! You all need to come to my house and go fucking
easy.
Erika Blumberg
Aahhh! A weird bug just came into my life!
Erika Blumberg
His name is Mac Huff. That's all I have to say.
Erika Blumberg
Telling me not to gossip is like well, I don't have an allegory, but
it's just fucking stupid.
Erika Blumberg
I used to say, "Shot at dawn," but I realized it was totally
unrealistic for me to be doing anything at dawn, much less shooting anyone.
Erika Blumberg
All I can say, is that if anyone fucks with me, I will destroy them.
Erika Blumberg
Ooh! You know what's cool? That viennetta shit. That shit is phat.
It's like Vienna with an etta on the end of it, motherfucker.
Erika Blumberg
He didn't come back because he said he felt like a big fish in a small
pond. Well guess what? I'm a shark, and I'm gonna fucking eat you.
Erika Blumberg
re. David Hanlon
Faith in Smaha gets you nowhere.
Erika Blumberg
You laugh, but what I'm saying makes sense.
Erika Blumberg
The wack copy's got a fa.
Erika Blumberg
re. lousy sheet music
It's unreal that I get paid to do this.
Erika Blumberg
re. working at Buck's Rock
It's so confusing what's written, let's just do what's written. It's
easier.
Erika Blumberg
I'll satisfy your ego anytime.
Erika Blumberg
It's not me, it's the G.
Erika Blumberg
excuses at the piano
I hate mediocrity.
Erika Blumberg
Don't thank me, I just wave my arms around and get paid.
Erika Blumberg
conducting
I appreciate your opinions, even if they are wrong.
Erika Blumberg
I want this disease!
Erika Blumberg
re. Fibromyalgia
You're like the verb czar. You always tell people when they're using
bizarre verbs.
Erika Blumberg
to Myq Kaplan
To be quite honest, I have no idea if that was correct, but I'm sure
it was a worthwhile experience nonetheless.
Erika Blumberg
That can't be true, and thus will not be true.
Erika Blumberg
This might be in the realm of bad.
Erika Blumberg
Speak now, or suck it up!
Erika Blumberg
People laugh at me and they call me crazy but I'm always right and deep
down in their hearts they know it.
Erika Blumberg
It disturbs my natural order of the universe.
Erika Blumberg
You are imported directly from HELL!
Erika Blumberg
to Jon Yeager
It's this weird rhythmic thing.
Erika Blumberg
Feel the passion God damn it!
Erika Blumberg
Find these people. Hunt them down. And ask them: "What is, your
deal?"
Erika Blumberg
Sometimes in life, there are just more important things to do than other
things.
Stefanie Bodis-Wollner
You looked like someone from something when you said that.
Stefan Bondell
I'm trying to turn it with my face.
Stefan Bondell
All the other women fell in love with fruit trees.
Sarah Booth
I can see that bullshitting isn't one of your greatest skills. Fortunately,
it's one of mine.
Stanley Bosworth
She knows what you mean when you say what you do, and what you mean when
you say what you don't, and didn't know if you did.
Stanley Bosworth
You will come to good ends, despite that evil look on your face.
Stanley Bosworth
So why did He do that? Why did He leave them alone in that garden with
those two trees and that snake?
Beth Bosworth
re. Genisis
Well, from the point of view of the peacock, a peacock is whatever a
peacock is.
Beth Bosworth
I'm your science teacher and you're all my little petri dishes.
Beth Bosworth
the English teacher
What was my point? Oh yeah, God.
Beth Bosworth
Being in America with fireflies is like being in England on drugs.
Adam Bracher
I'm good at chess, I just can't play the game.
Rebecca Brachman
We can all go naked, but we need to be entertained.
Annie Brauer
Make as many mistakes as possible, as quickly as possible.
Bob Briggs
Shanghaied means being mugged in Shanghai and thrown on a boat headed
to who knows where, forced to work hard, given almost no food, living in
constant threat of death, and probably being killed anyway. What this all
boils down to is: Don't walk around alone in Shanghai.
Bob Briggs
Yes! You can use a flashlight!
Adam Brin
J. Lattif tastes like barbeque chicken.
Buggy Brochin
There's a kind of freedom in being completely screwed because you know
it can't possibly get any worse.
Matthew Broderick
in "The Freshman"
It's much more funny if you're in my head.
Kira Brook
If I could caress you with my knee, I would.
Kira Brook
She's like rice made into a voloptuous woman with a tight ass.
Kira Brook
A covered bridge is like a tunnel, except it's a bridge.
Genna Brownstien
"Bridge", a poem
I just had such a nice weekend. Why ruin it by going to school?
Emily Buchanan
Prayers make you feel good, but they rarely do anything.
Ernst Bulova
Young people like to learn. They do not like to be taught.
Ernst Bulova
I hum, because I'm a neurotic mess.
James Busby
As much as I love you, I also know you.
James Busby
You are many things, but you are not Brahams.
James Busby
We sing at the drop of a hat! This is life.
James Busby
Hey hey hey! Jeh-suh muh heminuphu nuh!
Isaac Butler
failed comebacks
You obviously haven't spent enough time in airports.
Isaac Butler
Just kill me now. Just put me in an oven and turn it on who.
Isaac Butler
Would you stop it with the fucking semantics!? We're talking about genitalia
here.
Isaac Butler
There's two things you need to know about Blodgett. First, Blodgett is
tall. You're Shaquile O'Neil, he's still tall. Second, Blodgett is slow.
You're a snail, he's still slow.
Isaac Butler
re. Blodgett
The chances of having an all male slumber party in the Sistene Chapel
are rather slim.
Isaac Butler
Megan, it's your duty as CIT to be furniture.
Isaac Butler
Oh come on! You whack yourself far harder than I do.
Isaac Butler
Zoë, you are going to swallow now. And if you don't swallow, I am
going to kill you.
Isaac Butler
Guys don't wear jock straps recreationally.
Isaac Butler
The lips, the teeth, the tip of the tongue ah, fond memories!
Isaac Butler
re. his girlfriend
I have a leaky septic pipe that needs immediate attention, hence the
odiferous motif.
Forrest Cannepari
That's okay, 'cause if I lose, I win.
Amy Canuel
You big dork! I'm not lending you my underwear!
Mr. Cazatt
Randomness. Random thoughts going through my head as the wind goes through
the clouds and the moon cries HELP ME!
Adam Chamberlin
at the end of a long day
It's not a drag thing, you were just wearing women's clothes.
Sara Ciarelli
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to
be when you kill them.
William Clayton
I think the meaning we're all going for is sex in general.
Alana Clements
Your health coverage will be cancelled 2/1/87 due to the fact that you
are dead.
Mailed to a dead person from a life insurace co.
I want to know how these animals work.
Andrea Cochren
Yo Stef! Fuck you! Wanna fight?
Dan Cohen
picking a fight
I always mean to do exactly what the frisbee does.
Dave Coke
You should be a piano teacher who doesn't get married, with a name like
Judith.
Jessica Colter
re. Nell's middle name
Ooh, my my my. Men in uniform.
Jessica Colter
Scoping
It's a wonder that boy brushes his teeth at all. He leaves his toothbrush
everywhere.
Cathy Cottrell
re. Sam
You just looked like you needed to be grabbed.
Cathy Cottrell
Will you shut up!? That is so not even comparable to the phatness I can
product from my mouth!
Nicole D'Amico
Maybe I hate being here.
Nicole D'Amico
Every time I see a T.V. show once, i see the same episode twice.
Nicole D'Amico
The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
Salvador Dali
I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd
eat it, and I just hate it.
Clarence Darrow
She's thirteen! Last year, she was twelve!
Matt Dicke
All I have to do is stand still long enough and I'll think of something.
Jonathan Doughty
I dunno. I've seen some pretty unpleasent shit happen to dead things.
Graf Douglas
It's amazing how much people are like other people! I mean, it's like
we all have five fingers or something!
Graf Douglas
O! the inimitable appeal of the LSD boy!
Danielle D.
They're afraid that we'll be pulled off the road of innocence and ravished
by some stranger in the woods. Or, that we'll jump off the road of innocence
and ravish some stranger in the woods.
Danielle D.
Apocalypse when?
Danielle D.
Meanwhile, back in reality
Becky Drysdale
Hello Buck's Rock! Welcome to... Buck's Rock.
Anita Dupree
My life as a teacher is a series of frustrations large and small.
Jon Elliott
I believe that art is a product of time and place.
Jon Elliott
We have entered a vast harmonic desert
Jon Elliott
If I were one of those people who talked to themselves, then I wouldn't
be here. I would be somewhere else. Talking to myself.
Jon Elliott
I love British people! They're always dressing up in women's clothes.
Kate Erb
Why don't you just pour a vat of honey on it, or something. Then you
wouldn't have to get down on your knees.
Marisa Escolar
They're not going to let me be a CIT. They won't let him be a CIT of
course, he has the maturity level of a tuna fish.
Marisa Escolar
You can do whatever you want! This is math!
Marisa Escolar
re. Nicky's math homework
Eternity sucks.
Mike Esper
re. Dante's Inferno
Never use Binaca as deoderant.
Sam Esterman
Until then, the French foriegn policy was, "Keep it messy!"
Bill Everdell
Bird shit! We gotta have it man, we gotta have it!
Bill Everdell
re. sources of nitrate
You can't do anything because you're always doing something.
Matt Fantaci
If you're going one way, you might as well go the other.
Matt Fantaci
I'm the longest bucker here. I get on that horse and keep on bucking.
Matt Fantaci
re. Buck's Rock
Hooking up should be like eating popcorn. You just go out, and get some,
and it's fun.
Matt Fantaci
You don't have to come to have fun.
Matt Fantaci
Don't you hate it when you try to eat your pajamas and they taste like
detergent?
Malka Fenyvesi
Let's finish this. Then we won't be doing it anymore.
Nick Fiori
If it ain't fixed, don't broke it!
Jacob Fisher
I think that jazz is the oldest form of Xerox.
Dave Fishkin
Come on altos, don't give me a wimpy sound, give me a wookie sound.
Hugh Ferguson Floyd
Look. I only have one pair of pants without a hole in the crotch so don't
yell at me!
Katie Flynn
There was this lady, like lord-lady lady.
Katie Flynn
Were you there when I didn't have my shirt?
Katie Flynn
Ooh! Squishy things!
Katie Flynn
in Biology class
I'd like to pace and leave my scent.
Katie Flynn
I did have a favorite vegitable book!
Katie Flynn
Ham or passion: one sucks, the other's horrible.
Katie Flynn
If you only knew half the pants I owned...
Katie Flynn
That sounds good. I mean, don't rape kids, but yeah, that's fine.
Katie Flynn
You housebreak a yak, I'll call it anything you want.
Katie Flynn
I know how to sew! I sewed my butt
Katie Flynn
re. her pants
I've never wanted to go to bed right now as much as I want to go to bed
right now right now.
Katie Flynn
You guys are good at this celebration thing hey! Don't touch my ass with
that.
Katie Flynn
Can I quickly get back to Egypt and a million years ago?
Katie Flynn
Please don't push me into these nice people, as much as I do want to
bounce off them.
Katie Flynn
Do you think Bayer and Advil could mate?
Katie Flynn
It's a great place to be from, and the frommer the better.
James Henry Flynn
Something's odd. I feel like I'm God... not anymore.
Adam Frank
Why was there, like, chinese food growing out of your floor?
Thomasin Franken
I wouldn't rape him, I'm just saying it would be really bad.
Thomasin Franken
The great question which I have not been able to answer is, "What
does a woman want?"
Sigmund Freud
You'll go home, and your Italian vocal teachers will give birth to dishes.
Dr. Janet Galvan
If we were pigs, and this music were mud, we'd be rolling in it.
Dr. Janet Galvan
I don't know where she gets her adjectives.
Joanna Ganson
Shoot the dead people. They can't shoot you back.
Joanna Ganson
Why? Because life sucks!
Joanna Ganson
Hebrew and Math: my two favorite things.
Joanna Ganson
the Good Little Catholic
A lot of people were born in people's heads.
Nara Garber
I woke up this morning and I said, "By nightfall, I must be in San
Gimignano."
Nara Garber
No no, wait, that's muck out day. We're gonna be busy for a long time.
Danny San Germano
It's the most beautiful cow I ever seen. It just lies there like a beautiful
little cow.
Susie Gersten
I saw someone that I didn't know that I knew.
Susie Gersten
I'm Switzerland: I'm staying out of this.
Julie Gilberg
This water is really gassy!
Leslie Gimbel
You should taste this dog food: you won't believe how bad it is.
Leslie Gimbel
Jeez! I hate morons!
Leslie Gimbel
I just don't understand when people don't believe me.
Leslie Gimbel
Ballerinas don't walk like elephants.
Leslie Gimbel
Wow. Forty dollars for dinner. And we didn't get, like, pasta we got
big, serious pieces of dinner.
Leslie Gimbel
It's not the wuss factor that I mind, it's the deep down in-their-veins
stupidity.
Leslie Gimbel
Wow. That's weird. That's weirder than my head.
Adam Goins
I'm waiting for Death to make the first move.
Goldenrod
I didn't mean to disturb, I mean, I was walking by and she, you know,
adored me
Abe Goldfarb
Part of me is really interested, but part of you is really long winded.
Rachel Goldman
Mom! Could you come here... with a knife?!
Kate Goldman
Sometimes they hide. They hide. Cucumbers are good hiders.
(pause)
Carrots are not good hiders.
Kate Goldman
Or it's like a dog. A dog breaks too many bones, it can't do anything.
Kate Goldman
analogy for an electrical fuse
Do I have a copy of this? Because I don't have a copy of this.
Kate Goldman
Is my brain connected yet?
Kate Goldman
To take a train is the same as to take a bus.
Mike Goldstien
God is no more moral than a sailor.
Eric Goldwyn
He's certainly not the love of my life, but I could look at him for a
really, really long time.
Katherine Gooch
That night is all a blur to me: clowns and rain and noses everywhere.
Rachel Goodman
Don't involve me in your childish games.
Damon Grant
to Blodgett and Sam
I don't get paid for this, this is my life!
Thea Grant
You as in the royal plural or you as in me?
Damon Grant
My fling would have been really romantic if I had liked him.
Damon Grant
Oh my God. Did I just smile at you? That's scary.
Damon Grant
to Blodgett
We all just live for being special.
David Grausman
I've got this down to a science
I failed science.
Dan Haab
He always does shit with stuff.
Sam Hack
Not only does he bring every conversation back to sex, but he brings
it back to his sex.
R.J. Hagerman
re. Rick
I love anything with balls.
Jess Halem
Some of the funniest things are said.
Don Hammalian
I thought, "Wouldn't that be funny, if it was a mouse," you
know the thing about screaming about mice, but then I thought, "These
are liberated Buck's Rock women. They wouldn't scream about mice."
David Hanlon
re. the Mouse in the Ark
You didn't see my bellbottoms of doom!?
David Hanlon
I fall for you like a lemming off a cliff.
David Hanlon
You gotta have a first girlfriend now and then.
David Hanlon
They were college monks. They probably did the divine form of heroin.
David Hanlon
I hate thinking about infinity. It makes me nauseous.
David Hanlon
In case of complete failure, just sort of look at me and panic. I'll
handle it.
Bill Hann
You don't tell stories until they're over.
Robert W. Hanning
I mean, under his gaze, she becomes a mixture of the animal and vegetable
kingdom.
Robert W. Hanning
Who we are is who we perform ourselves to be.
Robert W. Hanning
This is language as a blunt instrument.
Robert W. Hanning
You know when things happen in threes like that, you're either in a fairy
tale or a joke, right?
Robert W. Hanning
You may not want to take my word for it, but I think you should.
Robert W. Hanning
Lizzie, get off my bed right now. You're gonna give me cooties.
Megan Hart
in the middle of the night
Why do we wear them? I mean what are they? They're weird things.
Megan Hart
re. bras
If you look down my shirt, it's insanity down there. That's all I have
to say.
Megan Hart
Aah! I don't like having my laundry around everyone else. It's like my
underwear.
Megan Hart
Imagine if someone described me as drop dead gorgeous. I mean, I'd just
keel over and die.
Megan Hart
Guys, I'm drooling and I'm not even asleep yet.
Megan Hart
Someday you are going to suffocate in your sleep, and it's going to be
me, and I'll confess it, and I'll go to jail, and I'll be happy.
Megan Hart
to Steve Ansell
You know what would be a stupid invention? An edible steering wheel.
Because you could get hungry when you're driving, and eat your steering
wheel, and then you'd be screwed.
Megan Hart
Oh my God, I think I swallowed my tongue. Oh my God, I did swallow my
tongue.
Megan Hart
I'm going to some sort of party that I wasn't really invited to, except
I was invited to it, except it's not really a party.
Megan Hart
I'd tango for good food.
Nick Himmel
In Europe, all you need to say is, "Can I have a beer?" and
they say, "Here you go, sonny, make a man of you then we will."
Eric Hirsch
A cappella is the cheese on the music shed pizza.
Eric Hirsch
I spelled M wrong.
Eric Hirsch
Life is solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.
Thomas Hobbes
Wait! I'm not wearing feet!
Peter Hoffman
There's nothing bad about homework except that you have to do it.
Peter Hoffman
I am a cheap substitute for adrenaline.
Amilia Hollander
Okay! I think you know what you're doing. Well, I hope you know what
you're doing. Um... you do know what you're doing, right?
Adam Hulse
It's all my mother's fault. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't be such
a guy.
Elizabeth Hutcheln
I can't help it. I'm two thirds redneck.
Ernie Johns
He's got glands the size of your head.
Ari Kahn
re. Rick
Counting is not important in math.
Henry Kandel
People are the only people who say anything.
Myq Kaplan
Mrs. Mott: short. German. Wide.
Myq Kaplan
What!? You can't name a bear something that rhymes with Stradivarius
by accident!
Myq Kaplan
One man's experiment is another man's pancake.
Myq Kaplan
You're anal; they're clowns.
Myq Kaplan
All of my nonsense always starts with flibuduh.
Myq Kaplan
I don't know if you're stupid or funny!
Myq Kaplan
The first time you bring a razor near me, I'll steal it, and shave your
neck.
Myq Kaplan
You don't get a name if you're one person.
Myq Kaplan
Our next stop would have been the police station; it was on the way to
the diner.
Myq Kaplan
re. being followed
It's kinda hard to ask somebody out at camp. I mean, you say, "Would
you like to go out?" and she says, "Yeah, but where?"
Myq Kaplan
Never buy 600 individual donuts. It's just not a good idea.
Myq Kaplan
They didn't have money to feed their food.
Myq Kaplan
And this is New York, where, "Can we help you?" means "What
the fuck are you doing here?"
Philip Kasinitz
an urban sociologist
Divine love: it sounds great, but what does it taste like?
Roland Kelts
Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your
country.
John F. Kennedy
Some men see things the way they are and ask, Why? I dream things that never were and say, Why not?
Robert F. Kennedy
I'm a gemini. I know I'm up to something.
Jim Kent
Well, I guess we start at a corner, get a hammer and some nails, and
do some crazy stuff.
Jim Kent
Hey you. Little boy. Stick this under her butt.
Jim Kent
in the theatre
I've got a turnip, and I'm not afraid to use it.
Jackson Kent
Life is short; live it up.
Khruschev
My relatives pay for my body piercing.
Caitlin Kilts
Now don't you wish I had my toilet paper?
Caitlin Kilts
I'm sticky!
Caitlin Kilts
It's really kind of noisy out there. Does anybody have a gun?
Mr. Kirkpatrick
re. Middle Schoolers
Well, if I have to rape him, that that, I have to rape him.
Fizzy Koster
I keep forgetting to chew
Fizzy Koster
at dinner
Fortunately, I have a permanent broom up my butt.
Rae Kunreuther
All the songs that I write are originals.
Sam Kusnetz
The number of imaginary walls I'm having to draw is making me throw up.
Sam Kusnetz
Hey! That's not her head! That's my pants!
Sam Kusnetz
They're got names, they come from places!
Sam Kusnetz
Just give a holler if you need a gender change.
Sam Kusnetz
I eat like a bird. Wait, no. I don't eat little seeds and shit.
Sam Kusnetz
The God special is up at ten tonight.
Sam Kusnetz
That's not a whole lotta genesis.
Sam Kusnetz
That's not a plan, that's an itinerary.
Sam Kusnetz
to Rick
A breadbox is not a vegetable, even when it's made out of wood.
Sam Kusnetz
I'm an exploding clam kind of guy.
Sam Kusnetz
You're from Spain? Límon, límon, sí?
Nick Kusnetz
I fall asleep. I fall asleep often, don't I? It's just that I wake up.
Marc Kusnetz
When one is entering realms, one must be cautious.
Sam Kusnetz
How many different ways can you misspell something right?
Sam Kusnetz
Shave it off, and in a week you'll have what I want.
Nick Kusnetz
I, despite what you may think and what prior experiences with me may
suggest, am telling the truth.
Sam Kusnetz
If you'll pardon me, I'm gonna go cut the shmutz out of my leg hair.
Sam Kusnetz
If I hard boil you, your soul takes off pretty damn quick.
Sam Kusnetz
She expresses herself so much without her clothing.
Sam Kusnetz
Dave, that wasn't a come hither look, that was a go yonder look.
Sam Kusnetz
Hello, I am not a bird.
Sam Kusnetz
Enzymes bend space and time.
Sam Kusnetz
realizations in AP Bio
All conversation about my anatomy must now stop.
(Pause)
I refuse to believe that all that noise was about my anatomy.
Sam Kusnetz
It's not heaven! There were no women, just cookies.
Nick Kusnetz
I've never seen you laugh so hard as when you laughed at my face.
Sam Kusnetz
Once we did a cappella without a piano.
Sam Kusnetz
We all whisper and we all scream. We're all whisperers and screamers.
Sam Kusnetz
It's not fair! She's slippery!
Sam Kusnetz
You always say, "No sex backstage, no sex in the loft, don't kiss
her," you're a contraceptive, that's what you are!
Sam Kusnetz
My handwriting is interpretive
Sam Kusnetz
Do you guys need me to put on clothes or something?
Sam Kusnetz
What didn't happen happened very fast.
Sam Kusnetz
Hello, I'm talking about you hello, I'm talking like you!
Sam Kusnetz
Will the corpse and the necrophiliac please get off the stage?
Sam Kusnetz
Other than being my friend, frogs have no purpose.
Sam Kusnetz
It's easy to tell what you like, I mean, you're you!
Sam Kusnetz
It's people like you who make graphs ugly.
Sam Kusnetz
I don't even know what I was doing. I mean, I know, but I don't know
why. I mean, I know why, but looking back on it, I don't think I should
have.
Sam Kusnetz
My life is a film, and the cameraman is on crack.
Sam Kusnetz
YeeAAAAhhguhhhaah it SUCKS but I'm not bitter...
Sam Kusnetz
Too many people in this world; the problem with them is, they suck.
Sam Kusnetz
What is all this junk and how did it get on my shelf!?
Sam Kusnetz
cleaning his room
If I speak, I run the risk of making sense.
Sam Kusnetz
The more incoherantly you speak, the closer it is to bedtime.
Sam Kusnetz
It has to run before it can be nice.
Sam Kusnetz
Am I? Hah! Do ducks fly and swim in the water and go quack and get compared
to witches? Yes. Of course I am.
Sam Kusnetz
Phllech! You taste like band-aids too.
Sam Kusnetz
I crush your general existence!
Sam Kusnetz
Amendmant Ten! Yeah, that was one of the first ten amendmants!
Sam Kusnetz
My stupidity has nothing to do with the fact that I'm right.
Sam Kusnetz
"Liquor and Deli." No no, wait. It says "Del."
Sam Kusnetz
The force is an energy field. It surrounds us, penetrates us, binds us
together. Like spaghetti.
Nick Kusnetz
Eat, eat. Put some skin on your bones.
Sam Kusnetz
That's just too abstract for words.
Sam Kusnetz
No. That's not ventriloquism, that's stupidity.
Sam Kusnetz
THIS ORDER WILL COME TO MEETING!!!
Sam Kusnetz
too early in the morning
Take LSD. Then you can fix anything.
Sam Kusnetz
re. Lighting & Sound Design
I think we've all toyed with each other's minds long enough; meeting
adjourned.
Sam Kusnetz
If the room would only stay still, then I could do stuff in it.
Sam Kusnetz
Like, I look at something, and it's there.
Sam Kusnetz
Now, you won't appreciate this 'cause you're not an optometrist.
Marc Kusnetz
The spoon player is the man!
Sam Kusnetz
The further it is from now, the less likely that it will hurt soon.
Sam Kusnetz
A del is a deli that doesn't sell lox. Not locks, L-O-C-K-S, but lox,
with an "X" as in fish.
Sam Kusnetz
My dog hears, "Blah blah blah biscuit", you hear "Blah
blah blah naked!"
Sharon Lamazor
Freeze! Like a rabbit in the footlights.
Sharon Lamazor
I hate facial hair on myself.
Brian Landman
They have something anti against me.
Brian Landman
I hate when you repeat myself.
Brian Landman
Candy corn is out of season.
Brian Landman
That cake is so good I could eat the whole pie.
Brian Landman
What's he gonna do? Pull me over and drink my soda?!
Brian Landman
He's fun to hang out with when he's being normal.
J. Lattif
There's cake on everybody's elbow.
J. Lattif
It's Brett, and it's pubescent, and it's wrong.
J. Lattif
I could spend an entire lifetime licking that neck and consider my life
well spent and full of meaning.
J. Lattif
Imagine if there were as many people with red hair as there are with
brown hair. The world would be so much brighter!
J. Lattif
Nothing's gonna come out of me even if you squeeze.
J. Lattif
I hate button fly jeans more than life itself.
J. Lattif
You don't throw feminine hygene products. Ever.
Shelley Lavin
He beats them late at night, I can beat them now.
Shelley Lavin
re. Joey Roth and his drums
Even if you understand them, you don't understand them.
Shelley Lavin
Matt Fantaci? He'll screw anything on wheels.
Shelley Lavin
I have a quote. But, I lost it. I mean, it's there, but if I say it,
it won't be.
Shelley Lavin
We're two people, so that makes one... and they're only two...
Shelley Lavin
You're talking about her nun her hat.
Shelley Lavin
I mean, there's not much you can do with bloated fish and rocks.
Shelley Lavin
I have a lot of things in my pants. Yahtzee is not one of them.
Shelley Lavin
Just because my pants are way too short doesn't mean you can take advantage
of me.
Dov Lebowitz-Nowak
I've got major beef and I'm not wearing any clothes!
Dov Lebowitz-Nowak
Everyone looks different without their shirts on.
Dov Lebowitz-Nowak
Hey Dan, you got kinda wet knees, what's been going on?
Andy Lees
Yo. She's got like sex appeal.
Patrick Leong
Now it's a whole new wet spot.
Abby Levin
No breast touching Thomasin!
Sarah Levithan
A lot of women in one room: it's chaos.
Sarah Levithan
I want the really little boy.
Sarah Levithan
playing Ultimate
The meaning of life is like a bar of soap: when you think you have it,
it just slips through your fingers.
John Levy
A lot of things make me horny, one of which is not naked women.
Peter Licalsi
Sex and kissing is like oxygen to you, Thomasin.
Amanda Lipitz
When worlds collide, you get four worlds. Sometimes more. Unless they're
sticky.
Alina Lobert
I want to go out into the wilderness! And discover major geographical
features! And name them after people I love!
Josh Loh
I like him! He's like a big teddy bear... with power!
Sarah Loh
re. Stanley Bosworth
No, no Blodgett! The light you idiot, not your pants!
Josh Loh
So I die. Life goes on.
Josh Loh
I'm in a compressed air kind of mood.
Josh Loh
I feel sorry for the serpent. I mean, he's just lying there, and then
voom! "Ooh, I'm evil!"
Josh Loh
Love can be knowing when to let go.
Josh Loh
I was planning a lovely afternoon of sneaking around Greenwich Village
in black pajamas throwing knives at each other, but I guess you've just
ruined that now, haven't you?!"
Josh Loh
And how are you supposed to seduce someone with your tongue in knots,
I'd like to know.
Josh Loh
Has anyone ever explained to you exactly how much you deviate from a
normal demographic curve?
Josh Loh
to Blodgett
Stop and play are mutually exclusive.
Josh Loh
re. a tape player
Is it too late to go back in time?
Josh Loh
Ok... we got blood.
Josh Loh
I am the ghost of Christmas past... bitch!
Josh Loh
role playing
Everyday, I discover new and interesting things about you guys that turn
my stomach.
Josh Loh
It's not under your belt, it's over your head!
Brad Louryk
They got out of London, and did theatre in the wings... er, provinces.
John Lucas
theatre history
My VCR goes 12:00, 12:00, 12:00 'cause I can't program it, but this baby
grew his own pinky while upside-down and submerged.
Jenny Lumet
Dauntless, noble, unusual, adorable.
Pidey Lumet
re. Bailey
Do you know what would happen to you if you were hunting and you killed
an Amish person!?
Juliet Lyon
You know, they all do as much as they can, and nobody tells them what
to do, and sometimes they're are naked, and sometimes they have a bathtub
in the woods.
Juliet Lyon
The thing is, men are just clueless when it comes down to it.
Helen MacDonald
She's confused, he's confused, everything's confusing.
Helen MacDonald
re. Adam & Eve
I'm totally, inadvertantly perfect.
Becky Mark
We're at Saint Ann's: simplified reality.
Becky Mark
I'm feeling clueful!
Becky Mark
Any landing you can walk away from is a good one.
Gerald R. Massie
I've been coming here for four years and I've finally met you, and you're
completely insane.
Marc Mayer
to Erika Blumberg
You could be a rodent. If you don't stop chewing it'll go into your brain.
Marc Mayer
Hmm skin
Gabriel Maze
Never let the truth get in the way of a good story.
Simon McAndrews
Here are your pants. May I have my socks, please?
Simon McAndrews
Why are you wearing a scarf and nothing else?
Simon McAndrews
They wouldn't put books by male and female authors on the same shelf.
Oh no, they might get together and make little pamphlets.
Malachy McCourt
Eat the ice cream while it's on your plate.
Mike McGarry
One guy, and I'm off my hands.
Kate McGuire
I don't know what you've experienced, but I'm trying to provide an alternative.
Erin McKeown
You may go to the court, and the court might say, "Go 'way go 'way
go 'way."
Jack McShane
One poet, enough. One song, hum it. One chair, the rock is fine. Spartan
existance.
Jack McShane
You know how they can be! People! They get so upset about this, they
get so upset about that.
Jack McShane
When giants battle with giants, there's blood all over the place.
Jack McShane
That guy gets blamed for everything.
Jack McShane
re. God
Cicero says yes, Mill says yes, Scheck says no...
Jack McShane
I don't like Cap'n Crunch, I don't like blue unitards, and I don't like
Amanda Lipitz, but otherwise, I'm OK.
Chava Meed
Relationships: can't live with them, can't live without them, and you
look really silly if you kill yourself over them.
Jest Meed
Have you ever heard of Heaven? I mean, not the proverbial Heaven, I mean
there's this, sort of, coffee shop called Heaven
Jest Meed
It's like taking the measurement of a ten foot person and another ten
foot person and comparing them.
Jest Meed
You guys are scaring me. Guys, you are really scaring me. You're scaring
me guys. Scaring me, guys, are you. I can't emphasize how scared I am by
you guys yeah.
Jest Meed
High school sucks. I mean, it's great and wonderful and I wouldn't miss
it for the world... but it sucks.
Jest Meed
It's great dancing with him, because he's really strong. Not scary strong,
but strong enough so you not like, "Who is this weakling whose arms
I'm in?"
Jest Meed
Why is it immoral? Because there's three of them, or because they're
doing it in math class?
Coco van Meerendonk
I like girl things! One of these days, I'm gonna marry one of those girl
things.
Andrew Merelis
Hey man, it's a Communist kitchen.
Matt Merolla
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that someone's not out to get
you.
Elyse Meslow
So yay for all of us.
Jon Metric
That's exactly like it is in French except it's completely different.
Katie Meyer
This is what it feels like to be like you.
Hannah Meyers
Sometimes I really I could sing, because then if I wanted to break into
song, it wouldn't be so bad.
Nell Miller
It'd be so cool to dig and, like, find stuff.
Sarah Miller
re. archaeology
Don't quote me on this.
Maurice Mizrahi
How do you sing three [notes] at once?
Mara Molman
I haven't tied my shoe yet. I don't think I'm ever going to get to it.
Jesse Montgomery
I'm sorry I couldn't participate, I was tied up.
Mickey Morris
I would like to thank myself.
Mickey Morris
If you have to get intoxicated, do it in the spirit of the place.
Mickey Morris
Time flies when you're in handcuffs.
Katie Nardin
It takes a lot of guts to get up there and suck.
Kellita Neff
I'm laughing because she's, like, crying.
Leah Nelson
That looks like my roommate.
Leah Nelson
re. a Daddy Longlegs
Look at him. Look at you. Get out of my armpit!
Michael Newton
Oh! You mean a live little French boy!
Erika Nickrenz
This is a sexy little lasagna here.
Erika Nickrenz
What day of the week is next friday?
Sarah Nooter
People go to the suburbs because they're scared. But when I go to the
suburbs, I'm terrified.
Peter Novick-Zernick
If nobody dies, it's not a movie.
Peter Novick-Zernick
Hey, I'm sick. I need help.
Chris Nugent
Fuck off, boat!
Chris Nugent
I've seen a tree explode before, why did it explode?
Chris Nugent
All my good ideas suck.
Chris Nugent
You came out first so you think everything's yours.
Sean O'Sullivan
to his twin
Disproportionate people are very interesting.
Megan O'Sullivan
The awfice needs LSD! LSD to the awfice.
The Buck's Rock Office
re. Lighting & Sound Design
When your hearing fails, use logic.
Luke Page
Life goes on, even without lunch.
Sasha Paradis
When you have the gift of music, don't waste it: torture everyone.
Sasha Paradis
Do you realize that a year from now, Emily's gonna be a year older than
she is now, and she's gonna keep doing that year after year?
Sonya Peedin
Women are meant to have their legs open.
Sonya Peedin
When did I become an edible person?
Sonya Peedin
There's a limit to how many first impressions one can make.
Sonya Peedin
Men are easier. They're stupid, and you don't have to talk to them.
Sonya Peedin
Sam, I love you because you know my mind before it comes out of my mouth.
Sonya Peedin
Well, that could be good, because when he said, "Charge the French!"
the Russians might think that they're not charging them!
Rachael Peters
What we need is a giant bathtub where we keep all our sins, and your
cruisers attack my cruisers.
Jason Polastri
The best place for lyrics is just short of unintelligible.
Jason Polastri
This should be so easy! We all speak english, that's a really good start.
Jordan Pollock
Math is ugly.
Algebra 1 Proverb
Don't cut your toenails with a broadsword.
Proverb
You can't be paranoid because everything really is out to get you.
Role Playing Game Proverb
I'm doing the opposite of molesting her! I'm trying to keep her clothes
on!
Reme Puryear
I wanna sleep, and I wanna facial!!!
Ellie Raab
Oh! Yes! I remember! There was jello!
Ellie Raab
Just because part of my family is part cow doesn't mean you need to get
nasty about it.
Ellie Raab
I have very bad luck with plants at parties.
John Ramau
She's one of those people who can, like, do stuff.
Dana Rapoport
If it's good, you gotta lick it.
Dana Rapoport
I mean, they had random furs hanging off them! How could they not have
affairs?"
Dana Rapoport
I want to dance like dance like dance dance.
Abby Rasminsky
Yo, like, pick a personality and go with it.
Abby Rasminsky
Hi, hi, do you know you're exposing yourself?
Abby Rasminsky
People's bodies are so strange.
Abby Rasminsky
Oh, excuse me, like, fuck you.
Nancy Reardon
Use all your bizarre qualities.
Nancy Reardon
Dios está en los detalles.
(God is in the details.)
Christina Reyes
Well, yeah. People in the real world do, but not Saint Ann's people.
Alexandra Richards
There are no little chainsaws.
Mike Roam
Yeah. It's kinda got that mush to it.
Dave Roberts
re. the letter L
What's more ambitious? Trying to take over the heaven, or trying to date
two guys at once?
Dave Roberts
So, you're telling me that my head was on the other end of a historic
moment?
Chris Robson
I don't consider it a good day unless I've beaten some sort of rule.
Bill Roche
Don't build a boat in your basement.
Bill Roche
Take something you need and make it look like art.
Bill Roche
Drafting is just like connect the dots. Put three to four to five and
Donald Duck is chasing Road Runner.
Bill Roche
There is just no way to drafdt intimately for thirty five people.
Bill Roche
I hope i didn't offend anybody's house.
Bill Roche
The few options that you have do exist.
Bill Roche
I have such a problem with reality.
Bill Roche
George and the Lima Bean is a worthy cause, but even the Holiday Inn
doesn't have a room that big.
Bill Roche
re. considerations while designing a set
Art doesn't have to be painful. It's more fun when it doesn't hurt. Trust
me.
Bill Roche
You gotta find the chocolate chips, you gotta find the dough, you gotta
find the pot, you gotta find the... bong... no, that's before the cookies...
Bill Roche
baking
Mechanical perspective gives the impression that the earth is round.
Bill Roche
You're going along the piece of glass. You're in a bad World War II movie,
you're in a German sub. Eheheh... oh no! There's a boat named "A"!
Mark it on the glass... just pretend that you're a U-boat and you're all
set.
Bill Roche
on mechanical perspective
I couldn't have said it better myself. Obviously. Or else I would have.
Bill Roche
It's not exactly OSHA approved.
Bill Roche
Do a little Louis-the-Fourteenth.
Bill Roche
drawing a coffee table
It's a quiet night, just me and this skull.
Bill Roche
on Hamlet
It's a Greek thing.
Bill Roche
re. a level
Most of us are some kind of social outcast, and the theatre is the only
place that will take us.
Bill Roche
To the outside world, we look really odd.
Bill Roche
If you do "borrow" things, be careful that it's not too obvious
that you borrowed them.
Bill Roche
That's the only thing I can fuck up well.
Sarah Rooney
There's nothing worse than an unruly corpse.
Sarah Rooney
God be good, God be great, yay God.
Barry Rose
"The Abridged Ceder"
I've given up. Now when people ask me, "How are you?" I say,
"Just terrible, thanks."
Jen Rosen
re. her bad mood
I'm just not quotable anymore.
Jen Rosen
I'm spending all this money on your brain. You're not getting married
yet.
Jean Rosenberg
So who's the bitch who took our Quintessence?
Andrew Rosenberg
role playing
Sam, put the condom on it.
Andrew Rosenberg
re. an electric motor
Myq, I don't want to have sex with you at all. You repulse me. You smell.
Go take a shower, shave, and get out of those pajamas. Then we'll talk maybe.
Andrew Rosenberg
on Honesty Day
You haven't lived until you've died.
Andrew Rosenberg
Almost all the lines follow the one right before.
Andrew Rosenberg
I'd rather have your job. At least you can fall off a ladder.
Lydia Rosenthal
Something about the bus, the pink with the black, it makes me wanna fuck.
Lydia Rosenthal
The woman who was standing in the middle of a two-lane highway and got
hit by a truck was standing in the middle of a two-lane highway when a truck
was coming. How can I pity that?
Lee Rothstein
Behave yourself, and if you can't behave yourself, leave the scene of
the crime quickly.
Lee Rothstein
I went to the ceramics shop and one thing led to another.
Ivan Rubenstein-Gillis
re. clay on his face
Take that card out of your hat! It's a cult thing and I don't like it.
Bob Rubin
The thing about film, let's say the beginning shots are in Spain. So
they say, "We're gonna go to Spain." But then the end shots are
in Spain too. So they say, "Alright you just got married." So
you gotta be all, "I love you, I love you." But by the end of
the week, in the last part of the film, you've killed your wife and accountant
so you've gotta be like "AAAHH! I can't take it anymore!" Oh well.
I guess that's what makes an actor an actor or a nervous wreck.
Peter Scaglione
That's fucking amazing. It's like when you dump something into something
in chemistry and it's blue.
Kate Schapira
Subtlety? You wouldn't know subtlety if someone bashed you over the head
with it!
Kate Schapira
to Rick Shanley
I really really wanted to see him. It was like a craving. Like potato
chips.
Kate Schapira
They're gravity-happy dogs.
Kate Schapira
re. bassett hounds
Hello, it's kinda my mom, I kinda gotta go.
Kate Schapira
Things do fucked up things at the fucking sub-atomic level.
Kate Schapira
As I recall, bugs were such a novelty.
Kate Schapira
Now, Annie, I don't want you to be caught by surprise again: tomorrow's
Wednesday.
Diane Schapira
I'm a convert. I don't know what to.
Kate Schapira
and I kept coming in with a goat.
Kate Schapira
All the things I'm going to say, I'm not going to say.
Kate Schapira
I'm so much more of an advocate of relationships that actually exist.
Joel Schapira
And then it could get as big as daddy, and then it could eat him!
Rachel Schapira
re. an iguana
David Bowie's crotch is right at the top of all the things I don't want
to see. Ever.
Kate Schapira
Would you stop flipping around, Isaac? I'm trying to rub your back.
Kate Schapira
You don't know Rick. If you did, you would.
Kate Schapira
You don't know how much I'll kill you, and how often.
Kate Schapira
I was wondering, when exactly did my subconscious get hold of a knife?
Kate Schapira
All right. You move heaven and earth, I'll do the rest.
Kate Schapira
I always know it after you tell me.
Kate Schapira
It's terrible. Well, not terrible but dull and boring and full of cows.
Kate Schapira
re. Connecticut
I love having underlings! People to whom you can say, "Go! Bring
cookies!"
Kate Schapira
There are two things that a person needs to get by in this world. One
is a healthy respect for everything, and that you have. The other is a healthy
DIS-respect for everything, and that you are yet to develop.
Kate Schapira
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were a wall.
Kate Schapira
I was sick. Or my grandmother was there. One of the two.
Kate Schapira
Y'know that fine line between sanity and complete derangedness? He flosses
his teeth with it.
Kate Schapira
re. Rick
I love them, I really do, I just wish that maybe they lived somewhere else.
I love them, it's just sometimes I don't like them.
Kate Schapira
re. her sisters
I am... often civil to my little sisters.
Kate Schapira
Oh yeah, well he has an incredible range even though he can't sing.
Diane Schapira
re. Bob Dylan
This is too weird. This is just way too fucking weird. This is... STOP
THAT WITH THE FUCKING PEN!!!
Kate Schapira
I wanna be able to make graph sounds.
Kate Schapira
It's kind of I don't know. Kind of, kind of I dunno. You get the picture.
Annie Schapira
She is NOT a lamb. She's more of a cross between a donkey and a hippopotamus
and a tiger and I-don't-know what else.
Kate Schapira
I know that book like a book.
Kate Schapira
I hate sounding stupid. But I don't hate sounding stupid in person.
Kate Schapira
I think it means what I think it means.
Kate Schapira
A record... that sounds like a recording, right? But compact disc! A
compact disc could be a small frisbee!
Joel Schapira
That's God. That's not me.
Joel Schapira
I'm not doing this for fun. I'm doing it to amuse myself.
Annie Schapira
Power kicks ass.
Gabe Scheck
Look. The reason I'm here is because I ordered Thai food it's too complicated
to explain.
Danny Schecter
No one understands why I keep sniffing your hair.
Liz Scheier
She has to live in that head.
Liz Scheier
Developing social skills before college is very important.
Judith Scheier
Many men have power trips because of my neck.
Liz Scheier
God must have had a wonderful time with your larynx.
Liz Scheier
It's scary how much fun we have with orifices.
Liz Scheier
Neejababa!
Liz Scheier
It's all fun and games until someone loses a limb. Then it's an organized
sport.
Liz Scheier
I believe in heaven and not hell, and sometimes reincarnation depending.
Liz Scheier
You are very cuddly. You're like a big ball of cuddles that smells of
Pert Plus.
Liz Scheier
Well I think we've had enough insanity around here for one day, let's
kill them.
Liz Scheier
re. Jake & Andrew at 11:30 pm
I've lost the park.
Liz Scheier
navigating Manhattan
Keep doing that and I'll tickle you to death.
Liz Scheier
Knowing you is like going into the jungle. I don't know what to expect,
and I'm completely afraid.
Jesse Schloss
to Elane Raskin
I'm so glad I find myself funny, because otherwise it would just be unbearable
to be with me.
Ned Schoolman
Woah. I OD'ed on, like, stuff.
Ned Schoolman
I don't even know everybody that I know.
Jo Schubert
Oh. They're wah-rrr-ing.
Elise Schuster
How often am I always in your face!? I'd say less often than always.
Rick Shanley
If you wanna be on a sandwich, you wanna be provalone.
Rick Shanley
Portugal is a very religious country. If I drove like that, I'd be very
religious too.
Rick Shanley
It's not my fault that i only notice people's ears!
Katie Shanley
You're not watching it like a hawk. You're not watching anything. You're
not even looking at me. And I am a hawk.
Rick Shanley
There can be hours between the so and the what of the so.
Rick Shanley
Something really warped must be you.
Rick Shanley
No, Sam, wrong. No ooh, no la-la.
Rick Shanley
God's got the ultimate poker face.
Rick Shanley
Sam, lemme tell you something silly about my underwear.
Rick Shanley
Read, memorize, eat.
Rick Shanley
re. the Student Handbook
Hey! This Satan is sticky!
Rick Shanley
I know you didn't mean that kind of backup. But I'm not that kind of
pacifist.
Rick Shanley
Look at that shit fly. Well... you'd fly too if you hit the fan.
Rick Shanley
I'm so addicted to pain killers that I can't even function without them
so would you just get off the phone!? Deep breath
(breathing)
-click-
Alanna Shanley
I trust my notepad. My notepad rarely lies.
Rick Shanley
Sometimes the simplest things simply find a way to be
difficult.
Rick Shanley
I dunno how he can use that pen thing. The pen thing is just... Wah!
Wah wah wahwahwah!
But that's just my opinion.
Rick Shanley
This is great! He gets money for parties and he gets paid in food!
Rick Shanley
re. the President
I'm in such a hideously good mood, that it's pissing me off, and I love
it!
Rick Shanley
As you grow and change, you think you're a growing and changing person.
But when you stop and think about it, you say, "Nope. Same old me."
Rick Shanley
Suddenly, it makes a very, very small amount of sense.
Rick Shanley
This is the triumph of hope over experience.
Rick Shanley
There's no such thing as perfection.
Rick Shanley
Life!? This isn't life. This is Saint Ann's. This is the opposite of
life.
Rick Shanley
Wrea wrea wrea! Burning esophagus! Wrea wrea wrea!
Rick Shanley
Life is a learning experience.
Rick Shanley
Sometimes what you never say means more than all the words you hear.
Rick Shanley
I don't want to be here! I just want to eat lunch. All day.
Rick Shanley
Life is one thing. Relationships are something much more serious.
Rick Shanley
Life goes on. And on. And on.
Rick Shanley
Timing is key.
Time is bullshit.
Rick Shanley
Even if God is a 'Mechanic', everything needs a tune-up now and then.
Rick Shanley
One never knows, does one? Especially when one is me.
Rick Shanley
Sam, you are a sick boy. You'd scare me, except you don't.
Rick Shanley
Yes... unless Josh spends some time blathering.
Rick Shanley
I'll leave you alone if you let me sit on you.
Katie Shanley
to Kate and Rick
Ah... I can have some fun with this. I can just be like, rah! Rah rahrahrah
rah...
Rick Shanley
No. Ray is definately a bagel. And so is his pizza.
Rick Shanley
Falling on spikes out of context just isn't funny.
Rick Shanley
Whoa! They got some pretty charred and blackened shit in that movie!
Rick Shanley
No. There are some things that you just don't stew. You don't stew live
iguanas and you don't stew yourself.
Rick Shanley
No, Sam. That sounds like you're murdering a box of crayons.
Rick Shanley
I seem to be working up some randomness here...
Rick Shanley
The 30 years war lasted 13 years. And then another 7. And then another 10.
Rick Shanley
It's easy. It's like I dunno like picking rice out of a bowl of rice.
Rick Shanley
You know, unbent paperclips don't work for some things.
Rick Shanley
I've never seen anyone fuck a bulldozer. I've seen people fuck in bulldozers,
on bulldozers and under bulldozers, but I've never seen anyone fuck a bulldozer.
Rick Shanley
Wouldn't it be cool if the book weren't just limited to people? Like
if other things said interesting things too?
Blythe Sheldon
I don't want to pick up any more fucking little obnoxious coins!
Eliza Simon
All his songs have approximately the same chords in basically the same
order.
Eliza Simon
He's making sense, he's just not making sense.
Kirsty Singer
Alison, don't die about science.
Dana Sirota
Right now, we don't need speed, we need quickness!
Greg Sivakoff
The origin of the cosmos seems to be very wet.
Peter Skiff
re. creation myths
There's nothing more valuable than a good health plan.
Alix Sobler
There are other, more exciting nests!
Dana Solecki
on leaving the nest
I can show you the difference between a man and a woman very easily.
Dana Solecki
I mean, what could you do in twenty-nine minutes?!
Dana Solecki
If I die in a second, just let me know.
Dana Solecki
Light has always bothered me philosphically.
Dana Solecki
It has nothing to do with sex, just Sam and his cookie.
Dana Solecki
Of course our data was false: we made it up!
Dana Solecki
So sex is really a delicate issue
Dana Solecki
You're a boy. There's differences.
Dana Solecki
Marina, that wasn't math, that was sex.
Dana Solecki
I'm all mitochondria, baby. Here I come.
Dana Solecki
The Sperm to the Egg
Plants are instant gratification organisms.
Dana Solecki
You guys are way too smart for my head.
Dana Solecki
I say sex. It's much more interesting than "reproduction."
Dana Solecki
I may go to Bryn Mawr, but I don't swing that way.
Adina Solomon
You're still in black, but you keep getting furrier.
Ilana Solomon
At least Helen Keller wasn't wrapped up in crepe paper with people taking
pictures of her!
Adina Solomon
I think attempted suicide should be punishable by death.
Adina Solomon
I have random parts of you all over my room.
Ilana Solomon
Some days crash and burn. This one exploded on takeoff.
Jesse Spector
Your [computer] program has turned into an all night motel.
Jesse Spector
Didn't that get him shot and dead?
Jesse Spector
Oh my God. There's just so much of my stomach to grab, it's unbelieveable.
Lizzie Sroka
OK. When do you want me to climb on top of her?
Lizzie Sroka
I think that fat people look so cute in life jackets.
Lizzie Sroka
I'm here for your goo, baby.
Lizzie Sroka
Eww! Why am I wearing pants that extinguish my butt?
Lizzie Sroka
Hello! This isn't theatre, this is rape.
Lizzie Sroka
Guys, I am so naked!
Lizzie Sroka
...which was regurgitated by Bob Dole.
Random Kid on the Stairs
One death is a trajedy;
one million deaths is a statistic.
Joseph Stalin
Not only did I not ask you to pour anything in my drink, but I really
don't appreciate it.
Charlie Sterling
Hey Crystal. You wanna wear my grandma's shoes?
Random Girl on the Street
We've killed rats bigger than you.
Danielle Sucher
role playing
You don't "moon" in spanish, you just show your butt.
Vivian Swain
I, like God, do not discriminate.
Jasmine Syedullah
We're not doing the four food groups for our plays.
Noah Tarnow
You are just too funky for life. I can't handle it.
T.J. Tasker
to Erika Blumberg
I could play it up in, like, eighth position and make it all warm and
fuzzy.
Gabe Taubman
You're my prom, bitch.
Lily Thom
The purpose of class is to be in it.
Tamara Thomas
I'll just stop right now, then you'll never learn anything and then we'll
continue.
Sean Thomas
If you are a man, then you will face the consequences of your actions.
Nicole Thompson
We are a family, we are not Cuba.
Chloe Tirado
to her mom
We've gotten ourselves lost in this relatavistic swamp.
Craig Townsend
Hey Sphinx! I know it it's a breadbox!
Craig Townsend
I did it for a reason, it just doesn't matter.
Jeff Townsend
Nail the hammer into the can.
Jeff Townsend
Steve's a flake, but he's not a flake.
Barry Tropp
She has an excuse. It's Burger Day. Emotions are high.
Barry Tropp
Yeah I lost weight, it went from my belly to my ass.
Barry Tropp
Where's everybody going? It's still burger day.
Barry Tropp
I need gum. Or something to put in my mouth.
Sarah Tucker
She can have him, I just want to borrow him for a night. I'll give him
right back
Sarah Tucker
That's the problem: you can't just indulge yourself. It doesn't happen
that way.
Sarah Tucker
That's when you turn big again and eat the owl!
Allison Tugel
Drink the blood, eat the meat, be happy. It's the american way.
Matt Viggiano
Everybody always misunderstands my face.
Hannah Walcott
I'm going to tell you what I think, and then I'll tell other people what
they think.
Eloïse Watt
These are supposed to be quotes! As in they're true!
Rebbie Weinberger
Gravity just isn't what it's supposed to be.
Rebbie Weinberger
Three hours counts, regardless of the reason.
Rebbie Weinberger
I walk into the bathroom and suddenly I'm kissing someone.
Rebbie Weinberger
Why would I be serious?
Rebbie Weinberger
That girl is gorgeous. I'm going to be friends with her.
Rebbie Weinberger
on the first day of camp
I can't deal with my body making weird noises without my consent.
Rebbie Weinberger
It's seems like a really long time and no time at the same time.
Rebbie Weinberger
Wanna see me look like a loaf of Challa?
Rebbie Weinberger
Only ten minutes of that was against the rules!
Rebbie Weinberger
OK, you both need breasts
Rebbie Weinberger
You are generic.
Rebbie Weinberger
This bed makes me so happy.
Rebbie Weinberger
Do want me to look like I'm having an orgasm or what?
Rebbie Weinberger
in rehearsal
Rock, paper, scissors, God!
Emily Weinstein
He's not gay, but he wears tight shirts because he likes England.
Emily Weinstein
Look. It's a spoon. With weird spoon connotations.
Emily Meg Weinstein
That's crazy. That's a lot of na.
Emily Meg Weinstein
re. Hey Jude
I love his sense of humor: he laughs at my jokes.
Emily Meg Weinstein
I'm not a rice dreamer.
Emily Meg Weinstein
My soul has been fed!
Emily Meg Weinstein
Yeah! People are always complaining about suction.
Emily Meg Weinstein
re. kissing
Feed me or die trying!
Emily Weinstein
And then Joseph took off his pants!
Emily Weinstein
I used to think that Ben was the guy and Jerry was the cow.
Emily Weinstein
No, not today, a while ago. But it was today when it happened.
Emily Weinstein
My life is a bent fork, my life is a buck on a rock.
Emily Weinstein
I was using a blowtorch, and it could have burned me, but it didn't,
because I was in control.
Emily Weinstein
There is no word for this salad but decrepit.
Emily Weinstein
He must get really warm in his spare time.
Emily Weinstein
Once you get to college, all you need is duct tape and a dream.
Emily Weinstein
Zippers can break, and then you're stuck in your pants. And that's unfortunate.
Emily Weinstein
What, you're bored of two women lying on top of you, so now you wanna
come play with me? No. It doesn't work that way.
Dory Weiss
I've heard that I float well.
Dory Weiss
You're never there anywhere, you're everywhere.
Roger Westerman
Bjorn's cool! He's got soul, he's got cod cod and salsa.
Roger Westerman
re. Sweedish Afro-Cuban music
Leon was fast, this kid was scared.
Roger Westerman
Pladliness is next to Godliness.
Roger Westerman
the philosophy of Bob Rubin
Elvis was a dumbass redneck!
Roger Westerman
This is visual thing. It involves xeroxing.
Roger Westerman
Did your hair grow? Or did you cut it?
Gabby White
I was there when you told me that.
John Whitney
Do you guys get autumn? Do you believe is seasons?
John Whitney
I wasn't afraid that I would die, I was afraid that she would find out
and I would be killed.
John Whitney
I knew what I was doing, but I didn't realize it.
Vanessa Wildenstein
Sun, Earth, Moon, Volkswagen.
Dan Yaverbaum
Which is to say what you said, which is to say, it's all good.
Dan Yaverbaum
It's the rate at which you would be changing were you changing when you
would be changing.
Dan Yaverbaum
re. derivatives
Space and Time aren't the comfortable metal furniture we thought they
were.
Dan Yaverbaum
We'd all be doing theology, except there aren't as many cool numbers
in theology.
Dan Yaverbaum
Your birth may be the most concrete example of original sin in the modern
world.
Dan Yaverbaum
to Sam Kusnetz
Average velocity is so much easier to deal with than squaring your mother
constantly.
Dan Yaverbaum
You know what they call you when you say, "I don't know"? Incompetent.
Eric Yudin
Whatever's good, I listen to. Everything else just sucks.
Eric Yudin
re. his taste in music
My parents dropped me on my head a lot when I was a baby 'cause they
really liked cooking oil.
Joe Zeltzer
It would be kind of stupid to have a computer in the middle of Connecticuit.
Joe Zeltzer
So they think "Good" is hitting a poor guy on the head with
a stick?
Stefan Zeniuk
I hope that you're having an extremely pleasant day, and that you will
continue to have it well into tomorrow.
Alexa Zimmerman