the following is a transcript of an actual conversation that took place between me, rick shanley, blodgett and josh loh from midnight to 2:00 am on june 14th, 1996. we were not under the influence of any substances at the time, nor can i explain why we said what we said. all i can say is that i'm glad it occured to me to write it all down.
(Rick attempts to open bottle of wart remover)
SAM: What is that stuff?
RICK: I dunno, but it smells like nail polish remover.
BLODGETT (sitting up out of bed): IT'S THE DEVIL!!!
JOSH: Congratulations, Blodgett, you've successfully passed Satan Identification 101. Now we have to take it out and burn it. Do you remember your stake specifications?
RICK (still struggling with bottle): Hey! This Satan is sticky! (Opens bottle and applies wart remover to foot.)
BLODGETT: What are you doing?
RICK: I'm putting it on my feet.
BLODGETT: Why?
RICK: So I can walk like the devil, naturally.
BLODGETT: I think it's later than I thought.
SAM: That's because the girls have left.
RICK: They have!? Then who's this on the couch with me?
SAM: That's Satan!
BLODGETT: I think this is definitely degenerating into one of those late night conversations.
RICK: What was your first clue?
BLODGETT: When the girls left.
JOSH: They've left!?
(All laugh for too long)
RICK: Y'know, I used to drink liquid Satan.
JOSH: That's gotta be a lot of work for your kidneys.
BLODGETT: Yeah. I mean, liquor's hard enough, but it's gotta be hard to filter evil.
SAM (impersonating a doctor): Sir, you have an evil kidney stone.
JOSH (applying wart remover to his toes): Hmmm. The liquid Satan seems to be having no effect on my blister.
RICK: Of course not. Liquid Satan only works on warts.
BLODGETT: Hey Sam!
SAM: What!?
BLODGETT: Made you look!
RICK: Hey Blodge!
BLODGETT (burying head in pillow): Nooo!
RICK: Made you stuff your head in a pillow!
BLODGETT: No!
RICK (picking up bear slipper): The bear went over the mountain
SAM: What!?
RICK: The bear looked at Sam
JOSH: That doesn't fit the meter.
RICK: The bear looked at Blodgett
BLODGETT (grabbing slipper and beating it): Nooo! The bear can't see me! The bear can't see me!
RICK: Sticky
(Pause all laugh.)
JOSH: What we need is Emily Ziff to come in and hold up signs saying "One o'clock, one fifteen"
BLODGETT: But she graduated.
SAM: Well, we'll have to get someone else to take off her shirt and hold up signs.
BLODGETT: But we can't, 'cause the girls have left.
JOSH: They've left!?
BLODGETT: We could get Rick to do it.
(RICK takes off his shirt and holds up pillow.)
No, I mean, we could get Rick to find a girl to take her shirt off. That seems to be his specialty.
SAM: But the girls have all left.
JOSH: They've left!?
(RICK sticks his head in a pillow.)
JOSH: Gee, Rick. When did your head become a pillow?
BLODGETT: 'Bout the same time the girls left.
JOSH: They've left!?
RICK (removing pillow and standing): That's it. I'm leaving.
BLODGETT: Where are you going?
RICK: I'm getting a sex change operation and going upstairs.
BLODGETT: That would take too long.
RICK: In that case, the kitchen.
(He exits, then returns with a box of pecan chocolate chip cookies and a plastic wagon wheel in his mouth, which he spits at JOSH.)
JOSH (throwing wheel back at RICK): Thank you! I'll treasure it forever!
RICK: The wagon wheel bounces! Like ketchup!
SAM: A wagon wheel is not a condiment!
RICK: You're right. It's a vegetable.
BLODGETT: Tomorrow we're gonna think, "What a waste of an hour."
RICK: We've been doing this for an hour?
SAM: Yeah. Since the girls left.
JOSH: They've left!?
SAM: Can I have a cookie?
RICK (passing cookie): No, but you can have a round chunk of Satan.
JOSH: Satan comes in chunks?
RICK: Well, ever since I put him through the Satan shredder
BLODGETT: I have to go to the bathroom, but I don't think I can stand up.
RICK: Is it just me, or is that impossible?
JOSH: My brain just invented the color green.
RICK (examining mosquito bites): Look Sam! I've been bitten by a vampire!
BLODGETT: YEAH BITCH! Bitch bitch bitch
RICK: That was you, Sam. Wasn't it?
SAM: I never said that!
BLODGETT (rising to his knees): Oh oh! OH OH OH!!! Half way there!
(Long pause.)
RICK: XEROX!
JOSH (diving to floor): Where!?
BLODGETT (falling on face): Ouch.
(With much effort, BLODGETT staggers to feet and exits.)
RICK (chewing on belt): Is it good or bad when someone bites your belt?
BLODGETT (entering): Can you do Hoo-Doo?
JOSH: You remind me of the babe.
RICK: What babe?
SAM: None. 'Cause they've left.
RICK: What!?
SAM: The girls have left.
JOSH: They've left!?
BLODGETT: They suck! Let's kick their asses!
RICK: Which do we do? The kicking, or sucking?
BLODGETT: In the morning, remind me to be bitter.
JOSH: At whom?
BLODGETT: At the girls.
SAM: Why?
RICK: Probably 'cause they've left.
JOSH: They've left!?
BLODGETT: Of course, this goes along with my theory that you should do all soldering with blowtorches. And that barbed wire is wimpy. Electric fences would be so much more fun!
JOSH: Oh yeah! Imagine the sheer enjoyment of hauling your shocked ass back home.
RICK: Hey Blodgett! Is this the stick I ate the other day?
BLODGETT: Um yep.
RICK: Oh. Regurgitation is such a nifty thing.
ALL BLACKOUT